Stuck On Red.

"A £250,000 traffic light system to control entry to the Scottish Parliament's underground car park has broken down less than six months after it was installed. MSPs driving up to the car park entrance have found the lights stuck on red, leaving security guards to wave them through after checking there are no vehicles coming in the opposite direction."

Sounds dangerous to Mr Smith. But what kind of traffic light system can you buy for a quarter of a million pounds?

Fat Cops.

Mr Smith couldn't believe it when he read it. It's in the Sunday Times so it must be true.

"FAT police officers face being banned from traffic duty unless they slim down because they are risking taking their squad cars over the maximum legal weight limit. Tests have found that some patrol cars are so heavy that burly officers could tip them over the legal threshold. Some cars, with two officers present, are within 14 stone of the maximum, meaning that they can carry, at most, only one additional passenger. A patrol car containing obese officers, which stopped a vehicle with two suspected criminals, would have to radio for assistance."

Who would want to be a Scottish traffic cop. They should get themselves one of those shiny "granite and steel" salad bars they've got down in the Scottish Parliament and watch the pounds drop off.