Pat And Mick.

It would appear that it isn't only the police that have high rates of sick leave, it also appears to be endemic in Scotland's national economic development agency, Scottish Enterprise.

"Staff at the jobs and regeneration quango Scottish Enterprise ran up more than 17,000 sick days over a year. The Conservatives, who obtained the figures, said they substantiated a common complaint from Scots business people that they never met the same person from the publicly funded body twice."

That's a lot of sickies.

Message In A Bottle.

This must be one of the strangest press releases ever issued by the Scottish Government, nay Executive, in the history of devolution. Since when was the FM signing a raffle prize news?

"FM leaves message in a bottle ... First Minister Alex Salmond today left a signed bottle of 25 year-old whisky to be collected by the 250th visitor to the Talisker distillery in 2009 - Scotland's Year of Homecoming ..."

"Leaving a message" also has a different connotation in some parts of Scotland.

Drink And Drive.

"A councillor has been banned from the roads for 12 months and fined £500 after he admitted drink driving. John Charteris, 67, of Cullivate, Locharbriggs, is a Conservative member of Dumfries and Galloway Council. At Dumfries Sheriff Court, he admitted committing the offence, in Lochmaben on Sunday, after attending a barbecue. He is the second Dumfries and Galloway councillor to receive a driving ban this year. The SNP's Robert Higgins was banned for two years in May."

Another couple of dodgy Councillors. And Councillor Charteris also happens to be a member of the local Licensing Board. Mr Smith doesn't even have to make it up.

Bothered?

"Concerns have been expressed after it emerged that only 61% of Lib Dem members across Scotland bothered to vote for the party’s new leader. A senior party source said it was “extremely dis- appointing” that only 2,457 members out of around 4,500 took part in the contest to find a successor to Nicol Stephen. The official lamented that if grassroots supporters “could not be bothered” to return a ballot paper in a pre-paid envelope, what chance has the party of attracting new support."

If four in ten Lib Dem members couldn't be ... why should anyone else?

Special Cop.

As always the accused is innocent until proved guilty, but it appears that even "special" constables are trying to get in on the example set by some of their less lawful police colleagues.

"A POLICE officer is being probed over claims he abducted a teenage theft suspect while off-duty. Special constable Raza Ahmed, 24, admits ordering the 13-year-old into his own car and driving him around."

Strange. Do the police vet their specials?

Small Print.

So, fresh from losing a case in the small claims court to an electrician he refused to pay on a point of principle, it would appear that Labour MP Brian Donohoe has fallen foul of House of Commons' rules by using parliamentary stationery to promote a Labour Party fundraising event.

"A SCOTTISH Labour MP appears to have broken parliamentary rules by using publicly funded facilities to advertise a boozy fundraising dinner for his local party. Brian Donohoe's office sent flyers for a "dinner with Alastair Campbell", the former director of communications for Tony Blair, on House of Commons notepaper - a practice that is strictly forbidden."

He said he gave instructions for the paper not to be used, so clearly there was an oversight somewhere.

The Thin Blue Line.

Things for our hard pressed bobbies don't appear to be getting any better with the news that the SNP Scottish Government has missed its own target for recruiting more police in Scotland.

"THE SNP Government is failing on a key election pledge to put hundreds more police officers on the streets of Scotland. Ministers promised to recruit an extra 150 officers by April this year but figures obtained by Scotland on Sunday show they have already fallen 53 short of that target."

What is the point of making an election pledge if you don't deliver on it?

GO TO JAIL.

"Scotland's prison population has broken through the 8,000 barrier for the first time, triggering calls for urgent government action and the building of more jails."

People are sent to prison as a punishment ... not for punishment. So says Mr Smith.

First Preferences.

It would appear that Scottish Labour Leadership contender Iain Gray MSP has realised that just about the only thing that can stop him from becoming Labour Leader in Scotland is being publicly endorsed by PM Gordon Brown.

"Iain Gray, the frontrunner for the Scottish Labour leadership, has refused to be publicly endorsed by Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling amid fears that association with their failing government will damage his chances. Allies of the prime minister and the chancellor have been working behind the scenes to gather support for Gray. In a series of telephone calls to MPs, MSPs and trade union leaders, they have dismissed rivals Cathy Jamieson, the former justice minister, as being “too left wing” and Andy Kerr, the former health minister, as “too nationalistic”.

Mr Smith agrees. Stay as far away from Gordon as you possible can Iain, but it interesting to read how Brown-ites see the other leadership contenders.

On The Sick.

"HUNDREDS of Scots police are calling in sick every day - costing taxpayers at least £23million a year. An investigation reveals that 153,774 days were lost to sickness last year, with 420 officers off on an average day. And the true figure could be even higher because our study is based on just six of the country's eight forces."

That's a lot of police time and Mr Smith suspects that all of it can't be accounted for by officers being off having been injured in the course of duty.

Tavish-ing.

From the Scotsman.

Follow The Leader.

So Tavish Scott has become the new Leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats ... but does anyone really care given that he was always the "shoo-in"?

"The Scottish Liberal Democrats have elected Tavish Scott as their new leader north of the border. He secured 1,450 votes, representing a 59% share of the turnout. Ross Finnie polled 568 votes (21.3%), and Mike Rumbles won 439 votes (17.9%). Mr Scott, 42, succeeds Nicol Stephen, who stepped down earlier this year to spend more time with his family. The former transport minister and Shetland MSP was tipped to win, but not by such a big margin."

Hardly a "big margin." He got under two thirds of the vote in a three way contest, albeit securing a majority on the first ballot, but that was against Ross Finnie MSP and Mike Rumbles MSP, hardly inspiring alternatives. Roll on 2011.

Team GB.

Mr Smith has been watching the gyrations of our politicians following the end of the Olympics with bemusement. It is said that success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. The Olympics have reinforced that no end, with PM Gordon Brown suggesting that there should a GB Olympic football team at the 2012 Olympics in London, a proposal which drew short shrift from FM Alex Salmond, and with the SNP Sports Minister in the Scottish Government, countering that there should be a Scottish team in the Olympics.

Perhaps our politicians should just stay out of sport.

There will be a Scottish team in the Olympics when Scotland votes to become independent ... and not before, and there is no chance of Gordon Brown's suggestion of there being a UK Olympic football team for 2012, if for no reason other than the fact that Gordon Brown will be long gone as PM well before then.

Maybe the politicians should just get on with politics and leave sport to the athletes? Then again if bandwagon jumping was an Olympic sport we would have no problem fielding a very strong British or Scottish team ... composed of our politicians.

Bad Cop?

The courts will decide ... eventually.

"A POLICE sergeant is expected to appear in court today on a charge of attempted murder. Sergeant David Beattie, 46, was arrested by colleagues from his own force after a disturbance in Glasgow. He and his son Calum, 19, suffered stab wounds. A 30-year-old man suffered a fractured skull and was seriously ill in hospital last night. Sergeant Beattie, his son and two teenagers were arrested. All four are due to appear at Glasgow Sheriff Court."

Shop.

Courtesy of Alba, "OVER the summer, the Costa café in the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood has undergone a transformation into a small shop, after MSPs demanded an in-house outlet selling the necessities. Three products on sale are Nurofen tablets, toothbrushes and toothpaste, and deodorant.If MSPs are in desperate need of something to fix headaches, clean their mouths out and cover up bad smells, one wonders what this says about the state of politics."

Getting Sporty.

Vote Labour.

From the Herald Diary, "IT'S confusing, this electing-a-Scottish-leader malarkey for the Labour Party. Over at the SNP, leader Alex Salmond has revealed that three of the SNP's MSPs have votes in the Labour leadership election, presumably through membership of Labour-supporting trade unions. So who will they vote for? Alex says he has asked each of them to vote for a different candidate so the SNP cannot be accused of favouritism."

On The Fringes.

From the Scotsman, "ALEX Salmond was in his element at the Glasshouse Hotel. He seemed full of the spirit of the festival spirit as he posed for an array of "colourful" pictures with various performers to promote 2009's Homecoming Scotland celebrations. But what shows has Mr Salmond, who waxed lyrical about Edinburgh's "world-class festivals", actually managed to see? He confessed to attending just two – a performance of the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, and a book festival event, with the FM as the main attraction."

T Time.

Straight from the school of "we think we know what he meant" ...

"ALEX Salmond has claimed Scots "didn't mind" Margaret Thatcher's notorious 1980s economic policies. The First Minister also praised the Tories for being "constructive" in the Scottish parliament in an outspoken interview with a right-wing pundit. The SNP leader told Iain Dale that Scots only rejected Thatcher's social policies - but not her economic policies that devastated industries and put millions on the dole. He said in an interview with Total Politics, out today, that the Nats have become more business-friendly. And he added: "The SNP have a strong social conscience, which is very Scottish in itself. One of the reasons Scotland didn't take to Lady Thatcher was because of that. We didn't mind the economic side so much. But we didn't like the social side at all."

Er ... actually Alex ... we did mind her economic policies. The fact he had to call a radio phone in programme to "clarify" his comments illustrates just how big a gaffe the FM had actually made.

Mr Smith thinks the SNP leadership aren't looking as Teflon coated as they once did and Mr Salmond will be buying Mrs T antique silver tea sets next ... just like Labour PM Gordon Brown did.

Bad Cops ... Officially.

"Scotland's second-biggest police force failed to follow up properly a "significant" number of complaints against its officers, including accusations of criminal behaviour, instead filing them as "miscellaneous inquiries", the Police Complaints Commissioner for Scotland has found. In an unprecedented examination of Lothian and Borders Police's complaint handling over a four-year period, Jim Martin found that 133 complaints had been misfiled in the lesser category, including 16 that would "reasonably be taken to allege criminality on the part of officers". However, despite the seriousness of the latter allegations, in nine of the cases there is no evidence of any attempt to notify the area procurator-fiscal, who would decide whether to bring any prosecution, Mr Martin found. The commissioner, whose post was introduced in April last year, also found evidence that the force had misled complainants, including an MP, as to how their grievances had been handled."

Pretty damning criticism on a massive scale. Looks like the cops were looking after their own. Lots of bad cops ... and it's official.

Ya Dancer.

Mr Smith never though of the Lord Advocate being a ballet dancer, but the Herald Diary knows better.

"Lord Advocate Elish Angiolini, presenting awards to teenagers attending the summer academy at Strathclyde University's Jordanhill campus, told them in her address to set themselves ambitious goals and go for them, however unrealistic they might seem. She did admit, however, that her own early dreams of becoming a dancer were just too unrealistic and perhaps she could now be regarded as a failed ballet dancer rather then a successful Lord Advocate."

Help Wanted.

"THE taxman is taking two months to open letters due to a massive staff shortage. Student Iain Stewart revealed the backlog after HM Revenue & Customs failed to reply to his demand for a £700 refund. He was told that Centre One staff in East Kilbride were still opening letters from June."

That's one way for the taxman to avoid having to pay out tax refunds, just don't open the letters. Bet the taxman wouldn't accept that excuse if they were chasing Mr Smith for outstanding tax.

Blooming Great.

"MEMBERS of Scotland's biggest council have been banned from junkets after the Record revealed £24,000 was spent on trips to foreign flower shows. Glasgow councillors' far-flung trips have been ended after the Record used freedom of information laws to obtain details of trips which have cost the city's council tax payers a total of £24,258.74 over the last three years. A council insider said that Labour members had been told to avoid the flower show trips amid claims they were taking "holidays at tax payers' expense" and added: "It was made clear these trips were not on the agenda any more. I think it is fair to say that you will see fewer councillors off to explore the horticulture of distant lands in the near future." Glasgow councillors have flown to Tokyo, Madrid, Barcelona, Paris, Amsterdam, Dublin, Belfast and Baden Baden to attend "rose trials" where growers show new varieties. Our April probe revealed that the Tokyo trip attended by Partick Labour councillor Aileen Colleran cost £6555.47. Her party colleague Gerald Leonard, who represents the city's North East ward, went to Barcelona, and Easterhouse councillor Ronnie Quinn enjoyed German blooms in Baden Baden."

Good to see that a bit of press scrutiny has saved the taxpayers some cash. Visiting flower shows ... tut tut tut. Funnily enough Councillor Colleran doesn't mention the trip on her own blog.

Scottish Government - Nil Points.

"THE Scottish Government has been banned by Westminster from talking to Norwegian officials about radical plans to connect Scotland's electricity grid to the continent."

Very naughty of the Scottish Government to open up bilateral talks with a foreign government without the approval of the UK government. It would appear that the SNP Scottish "Government" will do anything to cause a fight.

Is this really what devolution was meant to be about?

Life's A Beach.

"AN ISLAND MSP has rubbished internet claims that he walked hand-in-hand along a beach with another man.
Nationalist politician Alasdair Allan yesterday hit back at a website posting by an ex-SNP councillor. Blogger Angus Nicolson wrote that he saw an unnamed politician with his boyfriend on the Isle of Lewis. The politician was later identified as Allan, who has been the island's MSP since last May ... But yesterday Allan said: "Let me just say this. I am not gay. The idea that anyone with a secret gay lover would take them walking hand-in-hand through a village on Lewis on a Sunday is quite a leap of imagination."

Mr Smith tends to think this is an example of a political vendetta by an aggrieved former SNP political hack, but it goes to show that in the days of the Internet everyone can be a citizen journalist ... for both good and bad.