Addicted to Love.

So, we have had weekend revelations about the sexual pecadillos and proclivities of Scottish Conservative bankroller and multi-millionaire Lord Irvine Laidlaw (pictured on right with former First Minister Jack McConnell MSP.)

"CONSERVATIVE peer and Tory fund-raiser Lord Irvine Laidlaw has confessed to being a secret sex addict and has announced plans to donate £1m to an addiction charity. The tycoon, Scotland's fourth-richest man, made his admission last night following a News of the World investigation. He says he has checked himself into a six-week residential sex addict programme and has made the donation to help "fellow sufferers." The 64-year-old Baron of Rothiemay, who is married and worth about £730m, has given around £6m to the Conservative party."

At least he had the honesty to admit it and does it really matter anyway? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone ....?

McNewsnight.

Courtesy of Drumlanrig again, "NEWSNIGHTMARE ... Could the gloss be coming off the SNP's hitherto well-polished spin operation? Nationalist MSP Christina McKelvie's performance last week on Newsnight Scotland was so hopeless that it has now spawned its very own internet petition to the BBC. McKelvie, left, blundered through her crib-sheet on the subject and raised presenter Gordon Brewer's famous eyebrows with her poor show. A naughty group of Scottish Labour activists are now petitioning for the show to go on the BBC's iPlayer in perpetuity."

Mr Smith missed it. She obviously didn't get the media training then.

It's Criminal.

So, "ONE of the country's leading criminologists is urging academics to boycott Scottish Government research, claiming it is too often "spun" to justify flawed policies. Reece Walters has accused civil servants in Scotland of manipulating research to meet the political objectives of the governing party, and blocking the publication of "undesirable" findings."

Never. Government selectively using research to "justify flawed policies." It would never happen in Scotland ... could it? And Mr Smith suspects it happens as much now as it ever did with any previous Scottish Government administration.

Coincidentally, Mr Smith noticed job adverts in the weekend press from the Scottish Government for ... you guessed it "Researchers."

Tie-d Vote.

Drumlanrig says, "Des Browne's right-hand man, John McTernan, was stopped from entering the gallery above the House of Commons when he pitched up without a tie. One of the penguin-suited attendants looked despairingly at the veteran adviser, saying: "You should know the form by now." The quaintly old-fashioned rules in the Palace of Westminster say that men must wear a jacket and tie – until the heat of summer when a notice goes up allowing men to remove jackets, but not ties. A spare tie, which by a minor miracle happened to match his polo shirt (yes, a polo shirt), was conjured up and the now suitably dressed McTernan was allowed in to witness the joys of Scottish Questions."

He really should know better. Mr Smith reads speculation in PR Week that Mr McT is looking for another job outside of government because of the poor performance of Mr Brown's Labour Government. Preferably a job that doesn't involve having to wear a tie we guess.

For Foulkes' Sake ... Again.

So, "A SENIOR Labour peer has been criticised after he claimed nearly £45,000 in overnight expenses to stay in a property he inherited from his late mother. George Foulkes, who is also an MSP, billed the public to stay in a London flat registered as his company's address."

The taxpayer paying one of its elected representatives to stay in a property which .... they already own and which they were using for other commercial activities. Deal or no deal?

The Ronald Killer.

So, "CITY MP Nigel Griffiths was today accused of wanting to kill off fast-food mascot Ronald McDonald. The former Consumer Minister is promoting a Private Member's Bill to ban television ads for junk food before 9pm in a bid to tackle the problem of childhood obesity."

Mr Smith doesn's agree with what Mr Griffiths is trying to do, but Ronald is quite annoying. He could be forgiven for trying to kill him off.

Crisis? ... What Crisis?

From the Scotsman.

Vest-ed Interests.

From the Herald Diary, "A Scottish Government minister was left red-faced yesterday after telling MSPs she used to go to school in a see-through vest. The gaffe prompted hilarity, with Presiding Officer Alex Fergusson jokingly calling for "appropriate" language. Linda Fabiani was fielding a question on switching clocks more closely to match the rest of Europe during summer. Ms Fabiani claimed she used to wear a "transparent" vest on dark mornings as a child. Education Secretary Fiona Hyslop, sitting at her side, whispered: "It's translucent." (Could she mean fluorescent?) Ms Fabiani laughed and quickly called for the remark to be "struck from the record". But Mr Fergusson added: "I think it's more likely to be highlighted." The minister clarified: "It was one of those shiny ones that shone in the dark."

The Gambler.

"ALEX Salmond was yesterday dubbed a "Mississippi gambler" over his role in Donald Trump's bid to build a £1billion golf resort. Labour MSP Andy Kerr claimed the First Minister undermined the planning system by meeting Trump's representatives then phoning the government's chief planner to fix a secret get-together."

In Mr Smith's experience the greater the hyperbole and more striking the imagery ... the weaker the case. Think you lost that argument Andy.

Topping The Bill.

So, "Details of a lecture by former US President Bill Clinton in Aberdeen in June have been revealed after weeks of local speculation. Mr Clinton is thought likely to speak on issues including the road to the White House, the war in Iraq, the credit crunch and the energy industry. Tickets for the event at the Aberdeen Exhibition and Conference Centre (AECC) are expected to cost about £95 each."

From now on Mr Smith will always view £95 as representing a "Lewinski."

Election Stress.

Mr Smith thinks that all that campaigning for elections in London, is starting to get to the voters.

"MP GEORGE Galloway was bowled over by a rubber ball hurled at him while campaigning. Record columnist Galloway was left "dazed and shocked" after being struck on the temple by a squeezable stress ball flung from a London office. Police were called and a man was arrested at a research company. Galloway, 53 - Respect MP for Bethnal Green and Bow - was addressing passers-by with a megaphone from an open-topped bus."

It must be the first attempted political assassination ... by stress ball.

Off Course.

Mr Smith sees that Lord Foulkes MSP has been busy in the House of Lords. From the Lords Hansard of 21st April in a question about Parliament Square, "Lord Foulkes of Cumnock (Labour) ... My Lords, will my noble friend ensure that any changes make it easier for Members of this House who have offices in the buildings on the other side of the road to get here for Divisions? All the changes that have taken place recently, both to traffic control and, above all, to security, have created an obstacle course for Members to get here in time to vote."

It is even harder if you have to try juggling being a Member of the Scottish Parliament a few hundred miles away in Edinburgh with getting to votes in the House of Lords.

Podding Along.

So the Scottish Parliament's iconic "think pods" (which have knocked out at least one MSP literally - former MSP David Davidson) are starting to spring leaks, only four years after the £430 million Holyrood Parliament building was opened.

"THE "think pods" that have come to symbolise the architecture of the Scottish Parliament building are leaking and in need of repairs, less than four years after the building was opened."

Says it all really. Even icons spring a leak some of the time.

Twenty's Plenty.

So, "ALEX Salmond yesterday set the SNP the ambitious target of winning more than a third of Scotland's seats at the next general election, saying he wanted to make Westminster to "dance to a Scottish jig". The First Minister believes the SNP could hold the balance of power at Westminster after the next election and he told his party to aim high and take 20 seats from both Labour and the Liberal Democrats. Mr Salmond used a rousing speech to the SNP's spring conference in Edinburgh to stress his belief that the SNP could wield real influence in Westminster for the first time since 1979."

It appears that the SNP have given up on using Westminster to secure a vote on Scottish independence given that they have gotten the Scottish Parliament all sown up and instead seem to believe that they can hold the "balance of power" after the next UK General Election.

Mr Smith thinks that is a tad optimistic given that most of those who voted SNP in the last Scottish Parliament elections have indicated they won't do the same in a UK General Election and the fact that Westminster elections are conducted using 'first past the post' which will make it far more difficult for the SNP to win significant numbers of Westminster seats. Time will tell.

Finger Lickin' McGood.

Nae Luck.

What are the odds of a British Prime Minister organising a visit to the United States at the same time as the first visit by new Pope Benedict, especially given that one in four Americans view themselves as "Catholics"?

Well ask hapless PM Gordon Brown? Very high. A racing certainty almost.

British military forces are still in Iraq even allowing for Mr Brown's prior commitments to withdraw most of them. And they are still paying the price for being there. If Brown can't organise a trip to the US competently ... it makes you afraid of what he is doing in Iraq. Bring back Tony.

Sign of the Times.

So, the Scottish Parliament is to spend £20,000 of taxpayers cash on putting up a sign on the Scottish Parliament building to ... er ... let people know what it is.

"SCOTTISH Parliament bosses are to spend more than £20,000 on a giant new sign outside the building to tell people what it is. They decided on the move after a review of visitor services recommended signage at the public entrance should be improved. The sign, measuring 5.9 metres by 1.1 metres and made of granite, is due to be installed within the next couple of weeks."

Most Scots, Mr Smith thinks, will know exactly what the Scottish Parliament building is, for no reason other than it cost them the best part of £450 million. Can you imagine the Palace of Westminster needing a big sign to tell people what it is? The fact they need a sign speaks volumes about the architectural integrity of its design. Some of it looks like a block of flats in the housing "scheme" out of 1980's film Gregory's Girl, which is probably what is confusing the visitors to it, not the lack of a sign.

Parliament Says No.

From Atticus, "Charity begins at the parliamentary fees office, according to some MSPs' expenses claims. Alex Fergusson, Holyrood's £95,000-a-year Presiding Officer, appeared to be all heart when he placed an advert in his local paper congratulating the Dumfried and Galloway Befriending Project, a charity for disadvantaged children, on its 10th anniversary. When he tried to reclaim the £132.78 costs from taxpayers, parliament officials refused to pay. Him Mateher, the £80,000-a-year enterprise minister, tried to claim £28.91 for Christmas cards he had sent. He, too, was told where to get off."

Very enterprising Mr Mather. Mr Fergusson really should just know better.

Atticus also highlights that Matthew Marr, the former spin doctor to Scottish Labour Leader Wendy Alexander who was forced to resign after calling First Minister Alex Salmond MSP a "c**t" has decied on a change of career and has started training to become a teacher. He really didn't have anywhere left to go in public affairs.

Wendy City.

So, "WENDY Alexander's recent conversion to pure socialism may have come as a surprise to many voters. Now it is revealed that she cut her political teeth in the loony-left world of student politics, banning sweets because they were “racist” and setting up a sexual harassment hotline that received no calls. Making a name for herself as a student activist in the early 1980s, Alexander denounced all products made by Rowntree Mackintosh, the confectioner, as symbols of apartheid. She managed to get Fruit Pastilles, Smarties, KitKats and Toffos banned from Glasgow University shops “to show support for those fighting for democracy in South Africa”.

Fruit Pastles and apartheid? It's all coming out of Wendy's closet now. Mr Smith quite likes Fruit Pastilles, but you can't get them on this side of The Pond.

Smile.

According to Drumlanrig, "SMOOTH TALK AIN'T CHEAP ... These are the courses where they teach you how to look condescendingly at Gordon Brewer on Newsnight. For the record, the ministers who needed to be told were Bruce Crawford, Linda Fabiani, Jim Mather, Stewart Stevenson, Fiona Hyslop, Adam Ingram, Maureen Watt and Kenny MacAskill and Solicitor General Frank Mulholland. The latter charged £1,227 solely for "presentational training". Aren't lawyers supposed to be able to do that kind of thing without the need for our help?"

Mr Smith doesn't think the courses have worked for Kenny MacAskill and when was the last time anyone interviewed Maureen Watt, let alone Adam Ingram? They should ask for a refund.

Another Bad Cop.

"A POLICE officer involved in youth work has been charged with public indecency. Acting Sergeant Adrian Merron, 44, is also accused of obtaining classified information from the police computer and could stand trial at the High Court. The indecency claims involve incidents in Edinburgh streets." He could be a bad cop.

And at the same time ... the cops are asking for a 15% pay increase ... "SCOTTISH police officers are to demand a 15% pay rise at their federation's annual conference next week." Well Mr Smith guesses it would mean they wouldn't have to turn to illegality to supplement their meagre police salaries and to pay for their illegal drugs.

Stoned.

"ALL of Scotland's police forces are to introduce mandatory drugs tests in an attempt to stamp out substance abuse ... Reports put the number as high as 1000 officers, 6% of the total force, using drugs on a regular basis with at least one officer being charged with dealing. However, the umbrella body for Scotland's eight forces was unable to confirm the figures."

One thousand cops that abuse drugs. That's over one in twenty. One thousand bad cops. Way too many.

Out of Time.

And he still gets to keep his force pension ... well he did pay into it.

"A SEX PEST policeman has been allowed to pocket a full pension despite being convicted of indecently assaulting three women. Creepy Constable Andrew Burt was found guilty in September last year of groping two women and slapping another on the bottom at a bowling club. His victims included a mother and daughter. He would have lost his pension if he had been sacked. But his bosses took so long to investigate his conduct that he was able to retire and collect a fat payout."

Incompetence by the Police in sacking a criminal colleague. It could never happen.

Swinney's Savings Account.

Mr Smith has some difficulty understanding this one.

"JOHN SWINNEY, the finance secretary, has declared he has found £600 million of savings in the Scottish budget this year, £66 million more than his target. But about two-thirds of the savings have yet to be identified by councils, health boards, universities, colleges and other public bodies which face an across-the-board 2 per cent cut."

How is it possible for Mr Swinney to declare £600 million worth of savings when two thirds of the savings haven't yet been identified ....? When is a saving not a saving? When it is "unrealised" which is exactly what his £600 million figure is at the moment. What is the point in giving public bodies budgets and then arbitrarily top slicing their budgets to generate "savings"? Welcome to the world of Scottish Government finance. It makes no sense to Mr Smith.

On the Beat.

So, "SCOTLAND had only 148 police officers on the beat at any one time until recently, despite its biggest city suffering from the highest murder rates in Europe per head of the population, new research reveals."

Pretty worrying from a public safety perspective, but as Mr Smith has said previously it may in part be due to the fact that so many cops seem to find themselves up in court on charges against them.

The latest case in point, "A former policeman has admitted giving confidential information to a drug dealer in Dundee. William Hosie also admitted neglect of duty by failing to pass details to other officers and attempting to pervert the course of justice." He's another bad cop.