Bad Cops.

"POLICE chiefs have ordered computer games to be removed from the force's electronic notebooks. Officers were instructed to play games on their new personal digital assistants (PDAs) to get used to the devices. But senior officers imposed a ban when they discovered some were playing on duty."

No ... never. Mr Smith doesn't believe that our police officers would ever consider doing such a thing.

Human Football.

From the Herald Diary, "So, while our MPs are filling their boots with expenses, what are our Members of the European Parliament up to, a reader asks. Well, Scots Tory MEP Struan Stevenson, this week played for Germany in a game of human table football. Imagine a large inflatable version of table football where, instead of spinning wooden players on a rod, human players are attached by straps to rods and stumble across, rather than up and down, the pitch, on the rods. The German MEPs, with Struan playing for them, lost 7-1 to Austria. Said a sweaty Struan afterwards: "We were robbed. The Austrians, with their mountaineering skills, were much more sure-footed." Yes, just another day at the parliament."

So that is what Struan Stevenson and our MEPs are up to these days. It doesn't sound like much fun to Mr Smith.

World Cup 1966.

From the Herald Diary, "FIRST Minister Alex Salmond was asked yesterday where he was when England won the World Cup in 1966. "I was on the ferry to Rothesay," he replied. "With plugs in my ears."

Surely not. Mr Smith guesses that question for a Nationalist is a bit like asking everybody else where were you when man landed on the moon?

Ever Greenwood.

So, it would appear that Alex Salmond MSP wasn't the only political figure to be knocking about North Ayrshire last week opening new schools. His colleague Nicola Sturgeon MSP also got in on the act by reopening her own former school, Greenwood Academy.

"A NEW £25million school has been officially opened by a famous former pupil. Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon returned to Greenwood Academy in Dreghorn, Ayrshire, to cut the ribbon for pupils and staff. She was a pupil there from 1982-88. The school is now Ayrshire's largest with 1600 pupils and the facilities include all-weather pitches and a Japanese garden."

What a difference a year makes. Mr Smith doesn't think the Ms Sturgeon herself would have envisaged being asked to reopen her former school last year. But what a strange place North Ayrshire is given that they are also going to have former First Minister Jack McConnell MSP back to open the new Arran High School on 9th June. Are the Council collecting signed photos or something?

It's Salmond's Oil.

From the Scotsman.

Cop That.

He's a bad cop that justice caught up with.

"A CORRUPT cop who tipped off a drug dealer about police operations was jailed yesterday. Judge Lord Brailsford sentenced William Hosie, 28, to three years and nine months. The judge said the constable acted out of "misplaced loyalty" to childhood friend Raymond Rudkin, part of a cocaine ring which police were working to smash."

He should have an interesting times behind bars as a former cop.

Annabel's Angel.

Atticus says, "It was for many the highlight of the Scottish Tory Conference in Ayr this weekend: Annabel Goldie straddling Big Robert in the car park. "I can feel the vibration," trilled the Conservative leader as she posed for pictures. Big Robert is a flame-coloured three-wheeler provided by the Clyde Valley Harley-Davidson owner group, which was sharing the venue. Ms Goldie was being given a "backie". Not a sight that will easily be forgotten."

Obscene Atticus ... obscene.

On the Pat and Mick.

And from Drumlanrig yet again, "Gordon Brown's management style (e-mailing staff at 5am, raging at officials over why certain tasks have not been performed, demanding everyone work as crazily hard as he does) was not enjoyed by civil servants in Whitehall. It appears that Brown's former staff at the Treasury are now happier under his successor Alistair Darling. Figures last week showed the number of working days lost at the Treasury in each of the past 24 months due to "stress-related illness". Under Brown's tenure, the average monthly figure came in at 130 days a month. Under Darling, however, despite the traumas of the credit crunch, Northern Rock and a collapsing housing market, the figure has fallen to 106 days a month. None of those crises, it appears, is half as tough as working for Gordo."

Get Well Soon.

Now Mr Smith has never been one of her greatest fans, but no-one could condone or excuse the attack on Labour MP Anne Moffat.

"A Scottish MP was treated in hospital over the weekend after being mugged by a gang of young men while out walking in her constituency. Anne Moffat, the Labour MP for East Lothian, suffered broken ribs during the attack on Friday near her home in Cockenzie."

But this is the type of threat which all too many of Ms Moffat's consituents are living with day in day out. Perhaps her experience will act as a spur to doing something more effective to tackle the thugs involved?

Lord of the Ribs.

And from Drumlanrig again, "Western Isles MSP Alasdair Allan was told some weeks ago by one of his crofting constituents who kept a pig that she was growing fond of the beast and could not bear to send the animal for slaughter. Steeling herself for the big moment, she decided that giving the pig a name might make it easier to send it to its doom. The name? None other than that of him of the high fuel taxes, Gordon Brown.Unsure of whether she was joking or not, Allan last week called round to check on her views about another round of hefty fuel increases. He was presented with all the evidence he needed – on a plate."

Sad. Mr Smith as a vegetarian cannot condone such callous political behaviour. These SNP-ers a ruthless lot.

That'll Do Nicely.

Mr Smith thinks there is a law about this situation which is demonstrated very effectively by an issue affecting students and reported in today's press.

"Thousands of Scotland's most talented students have been hit with a shock bill for more than £2000 each as a result of a Scottish Government measure, ironically intended to reduce debt. Some 3000 postgraduates from universities across the country have been told to fork out an immediate £2200 to pay a one-off charge called the graduate endowment - which they had previously been told to pay off at the end of their studies. The demand is an unintended consequence of the scrapping of the graduate endowment fee by the SNP-run Scottish Government. Because the scheme is being wound up, all outstanding debts are being collected by the Student Awards Agency for Scotland (SAAS), which administers the endowment on behalf of the government. In the case of postgraduate students, the debt amounts to £6.6m."

Usually the Law of Unintended Consequences kicks in when politicians don't think things through properly. That seems to be what has happened in this case. Scottish Government climbdown anyone?

By St George.

And from Atticus, "Take your ringside seats, please, for today’s least likely political dispute. In the blue and white corner, Alex Salmond. In the red and white corner, let’s hear it for St George and his dragon. The first minister of Scotland and leader of the Scottish National party has poured scorn on St George, describing England’s patron saint as “mythological”. Or at least, more mythological than St Andrew. “At least our patron saint was real,” says Salmond. “St George is a mythological figure, and if George wasn’t, the dragon certainly was.” Salmond was responding to a newly published book by historian Hugh Trevor-Roper, who died in 2003. Called The Invention of Scotland: Myth and History, the book claims many Scottish traditions are based on “myths and falsehoods”. Even the kilt, says Trevor-Roper, was invented by a Lancashire Quaker. St Andrew was one of Christ’s apostles, but the Royal Society of St George says their man was just as real. “He was a serving Roman soldier,” says a spokesman. “His life was well documented at the time.”

It seems that Oor Alex is becoming a bit of an expert on Saints these days what with opening new schools and upsetting the English. But surely even he knows that dragons do indeed exist? He only has to look at his Deputy to realise that.

Shangri-La.

Courtesy of Drumlanrig, "Scottish Secretary Des Browne has got the right idea for dealing with Labour's permanent state of crisis. In his full-time job as Defence Secretary, the MP for Kilmarnock and Loudoun hopped on a plane to Singapore on Friday as all was collapsing around him, to take part in a conference based at the Shangri-la hotel. At least one of Labour's embattled Cabinet ministers has found an earthly paradise."

That's a nice trip for a man with two jobs. He's obviously building up the Air Miles in expectation of not being around as a Minister after the next General Election.

The Evangelist.

Mr Smith reads that "First Minister Alex Salmond joined His Eminence Cardinal Keith O'Brien to officially open St Matthew's Academy in North Ayrshire, completing the full set of schools in North Ayrshire named after the four evangelists - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John ... The First Minister said: "It was Matthew who recorded the instruction to teach, and that's why I think it's fitting that he lends his name to the first Catholic secondary school in North Ayrshire - completing the set of saint's schools. I hope St Matthew's Academy will teach generations of young Scots and help them to achieve their potential."

Mr Smith never knew that Alex Salmond was such a religious scholar, but he notes that the FM appears to have gotten it wrong. St Matthew's isn't North Ayrshire's "first" Catholic Secondary, it may the only one, but as it says elsewhere in the PR it was preceded by St Michael's Academy in Kilwinning which has now been demolished and who's most famous alumni is none other than Defence Secretary Des Browne MP. Mr Smith wonders what Des thinks of the whole thing?

On the Pill.

"A PERTHSHIRE politician who suggested bounties should be paid for killing grey squirrels has now called for research to be carried out into stopping the non-native animals breeding. Murdo Fraser MSP has long campaigned for the removal of grey squirrels because of the threat they carry to their native red cousins, competing for habitats and food and carrying a disease harmless to them but fatal to reds. He has now lodged a parliamentary motion calling on the Scottish Government to take action to safeguard the future existence of the Scottish native red squirrel, including research into immunocontraception—a hormone treatment which prevents pregnancy—to stop greys breeding."

Surely Mr Fraser has better things to be doing with his time and other causes he could be using his parliamentary position to advance? Putting squrrels on the Pill, whatever next?

Ms. Robison Regrets.

And at the same time as the Scottish Government's Public Health Minister, Shona Robison MSP, was announcing to the Scottish Parliament her plans to ban the display of cigarettes, it was disclosed that she had failed to act to have confidential patient records removed from a former NHS hospital on her own "patch".

"Public Health Minister Shona Robison knew about the patient documentation left at Strathmartine Hospital - and wrote to NHS Tayside demanding action - but Labour say that is not enough given her powerful position. Her letters to NHS Tayside clearly show that she knew last year, when she was a Health Minister, that personal records were lying around the derelict hospital."

Ms. Robison seems to be locked into opposition MSP letter writing mode and doesn't seem to realise that as a "Government" Minister she can actually insist that action is taken by officials in the department she helps oversee. Never mind, she managed to pull off her announcement about banning the display of cigarettes, albeit that in doing so she seemed to take her eye off of the ball of running her Department properly over the course of several months.

The Nanny State.

Is it Mr Smith or does the Scottish Government's announcement about banning the display of tobacco products smack of the Nanny State? Yes, tobacco is a major health issue. Yes, people should be educated and discouraged from smoking. But do our politicians believe that banning the display of tobacco products so that smokers who can legally smoke can't see the packaging that cigarettes come in really makes a lot of sense?

What next? Banning displays of alcohol on the basis that children shouldn't see bottles of alcohol? Banning displays of knives because we want to cut knife crime? Government should educate and legislate where required and appropriate, but fundamentally, adults have the right to make their own decisions. Government seems intent on denying them those choices and without any evidence that what they are doing will make a blind bit of difference.

Mr Smith isn't planning to return to Scotland soon, but at this rate there won't be much left for him to do by the time he does get around to it. Sad.

Fine Display

So, "SCOTTISH Parliament bosses have spent more than £50,000 on revamping the exhibition in the public entrance foyer of the Holyrood building. New features include a new touch-screen display, audio commentary, a model of the chamber and better access for children and wheelchair users."

It seems rather unfair of our elected representatives to be complaining about spending £50,000 on improving the visitor experience to the Scottish Parliament. By all accounts the display that was there was pretty naff and £50,000 weighed up against the £413 million cost of the Parliament really isn't even a hill of beans.

What's the point of encouraging people to visit Holyrood if there isn't really very much for them to see?

The Un-elected.

So which of our current illustrious Members of the Scottish Parliament have no right to be there?

"THE expert appointed to investigate last year's Scottish Parliament election fiasco has said some MSPs may have no right to sit at Holyrood. Elections watchdog Ron Gould revealed he is "not comfortable" with the view that all 129 MSPs elected last year actually received more votes than their opponents. He blames the farce in which more than 140,000 ballots were spoiled."

So it looks as though we have the best democracy that money didn't even need to buy and we criticise unelected regimes the world over. How long until someone starts analysing the Scottish version of the "hanging chads" to see which MSPs didn't actually get elected?

Separated At Birth.

According to Drumlanrig (via Guido Fawkes), "WRONG, SO WRONG ... Further proof that you can't trust London-based papers to get Scottish stories right. The following comes from Andrew Alexander in last week's Daily Mail. "The head of the Scottish Labour party, Wendy Alexander, is married to cabinet minister Douglas Alexander."Not just wrong, but rather unsavoury too."

The Pharoah.

So, "Mohamed al Fayed says that he will settle permanently in the Highlands if Scotland becomes an independent nation."

That'll be one more reason for not voting for independence for Scotland then.

Marathon Woman.

And Mr Brown MSP is not the only Member of the Scottish Parliament planning to run the Edinburgh Marathon. "A LOCAL MSP who is running the Edinburgh Marathon has invited charities to benefit from her efforts. Angela Constance, SNP MSP for Livingston, is preparing to run the marathon for the fourth time."

And she's done it four times! Once would be enough for Mr Smith.

Bedtime Stories.

Continuing the bedtime story theme, Mr Smith noted recent comments by Lord Forsyth of Drumlean in the House of Lords, "Perhaps the fairy story that we need to think about is Little Red Riding Hood and the question that we need to ask ourselves is who is in the bed. Is it grandma or something different? ..."

Mmmmm. Not often that their Lordships revert to their childhoods. Well they do actually, but not usually Lord Fosyth.

Marathon Man.

"A Lothians MSP is one of 13,000 people to have already signed up for this year's Edinburgh Marathon. Conservative Gavin Brown will be among those entering the event, which takes place later this month."

And they say that Conservatives are old and grey. Mr Brown breaks that mould.

We Are Family.

"Keeping it in the family is, it seems, a motto that unites Scottish MPs from all parties. Under new rules introduced after the Derek Conway scandal, MPs were last month forced to declare in the Register of Members' Interests whether or not they employed family members. Twelve of the 59 Scottish MPs did so. Last week another four added their names to the list. Scottish Office minister David Cairns employs his cousin Angela Moore as a caseworker and Labour MP Brian Donohoe employs his wife Christine as an "executive secretary" – which could give her a salary of up to £40,052. Another Labour MP, Jim Sheridan, employs his daughter Joanne as a caseworker while SNP sleazebuster Angus MacNeil employs his wife Jane as a caseworker on a salary of up to £25,195. SNP Westminster leader Angus Robertson had already listed his wife Carron Anderson as his "senior caseworker" on a salary of up to £29,716."